If they ever did a re-boot of MASH

The new TV trend is to do reboots of classic TV series. WILL & GRACE, X-FILES, ROSEANNE, FULL HOUSE, and others are in the works including MAD ABOUT YOU.

So what about MASH? Why not? As a former writer of MASH, I hope they enlist me to write it. A couple of scenes might look something like this:

INT. SWAMP – DAY

HAWKEYE IS FIDDLING WITH THE STILL. BJ IS ON HIS BUNK.

HAWKEYE
I don’t think this is going to work. The prunes gum up the works.

BJ
I’d walk over there and help you but my arthritis is too bad.

HAWKEYE
Save your hands for surgery.

BJ
I’ve lost every patient for the last month. I wish someone would invent a drug to relieve arthritis, even if the side-effects were death, blindness, suicidal tendencies, nausea, and seizures.

HAWKEYE
This damn war. I hate it.

BJ
How long has the Korean War lasted so far?

HAWKEYE
Two years, but I swear it feels like 65.

RADAR ENTERS HOLDING HIS TEDDY BEAR.

RADAR
Have you guys seen my teddy bear?

HAWKEYE
You’re holding him.

RADAR
Oh. Right.

WE HEAR CHOPPER SOUNDS, LOUDLY.

HAWKEYE
Choppers.

RADAR
Where?

HAWKEYE
Overhead.

RADAR
I don’t hear them.

BJ
Trust us.

RADAR
Okay. Say, have you seen my teddy bear?

CUT TO:

INT. O.R. – LATER

HAWKEYE, BJ, AND CHARLES ARE OPERATING. HOT LIPS AND OTHER NURSES ASSIST.

BJ
Damn! Lost another one.

CHARLES
How long is this inhuman nightmare going to continue? I’ve been on my feet for forty-five minutes.

HAWKEYE (to Hot Lips)
Hey Margaret, after this, how about we go back to my place and share a heating pad?

HOT LIPS
Sorry doctor. We’re having a party for Nurse Bigelow who’s walking for the first time since she got a new hip.

HAWKEYE
Well, I’ll keep my teeth in just in case.

KLINGER ENTERS in a dress.

HAWKEYE
Klinger, when did you go back to wearing a dress?

KLINGER
I am?

HAWKEYE
I hate war.

EVERYBODY
I’ve taken enough shrapnel out of this kid’s chest to build a Buick.

HAWKEYE
I’ve said that before?

EVERYBODY
Yes!

BJ
So what’s everyone going to do after the war?

CHARLES
Me?  Well I plan on becoming the Chief Surgeon at Massachusetts General. And hope I can go three months before forced retirement.

HAWKEYE
Become a role model for the sensitive man. (to Hot Lips) Did you get that X-Ray of my groin I sent you?

KLINGER
I’m going back to Toledo. Sure wish I didn’t have four heart attacks and could still eat Paco’s hot dogs.

HOT LIPS
I’m going to do dinner theater.

HAWKEYE
BJ?

BJ
Well, as you know my daughter Erin was born after I was shipped out. So I’m going to see her for the first time and also my granddaughter who’s now twelve. God, this has been a tough two years in Korea.

RADAR ENTERS WITH HIS TEDDY BEAR.

RADAR
Choppers.

AT THE SOUND OF NO CHOPPERS WE:

FADE OUT.

THE END

from By Ken Levine