TWO DETECTIVES APPROACH A HOUSE. THEY RING THE BELL. THEY WAIT A MOMENT UNTIL A WOMAN ANSWERS.
WOMAN: Yes?
DETECTIVE 1: Are you Mrs. Hanson?
WOMAN: Yes. What’s this about?
DETECTIVE 1: I’m Detective Green. This is Detective Brown. We’re from the LAPD.
WOMAN: Oh. Really?
DETECTIVE 1: Yes, ma'am.
WOMAN: Well... can I see some ID?
DETECTIVE 2: Yes, ma’am.
They both root around their pockets and pull out ID. She scans it.
WOMAN: Okay… I suppose.
DETECTIVE 2: You have a daughter named Mindy?
WOMAN: Yes.
DETECTIVE 1: Is she home?
WOMAN: No. What is this about?
DETECTIVE 2: You’re aware that a student was killed Wednesday night at the Westfield Mall?
WOMAN: Yes, it was horrible.
DETECTIVE 1: A tragedy, yes’ ma’am.
WOMAN: But what does Mindy have to do with it?
DETECTIVE 2: We think she might have a notebook that the victim gave her that might shed some light on just who did this.
WOMAN: Oh my.
DETECTIVE 1: Do you mind if we come in and take a look?
WOMAN: Now?
DETECTIVE 2: Yes, ma’am.
WOMAN: Well, Mindy's not home.
DETECTIVE 1: That's okay. Can we come in?
WOMAN: I don't know. Do you have a warrant?
DETECTIVE 1: No, but your daughter is not a suspect. This is just a piece of evidence that might help us solve the puzzle.
WOMAN: Still... I... Maybe I should call my lawyer.
DETECTIVE 2: Seriously, we just want to see if this notebook exists.
WOMAN: Let me call Mindy.
DETECTIVE 2: Fine.
THE WOMAN GOES BACK IN THE HOUSE. THERE’S A MOMENT AND FINALLY SHE RETURNS WITH HER CELLPHONE. SHE PUNCHES IN THE NUMBER. SEVERAL BEATS, THEN:
WOMAN: Mindy, this is Mom. There are two detectives here wanting to go through your room to see if you have a notebook belonging to that boy who was killed at the mall? (long beat, to Detectives) She says she doesn’t have it.
DETECTIVE 1: We just want to take a look.
DETECTIVE 2: Is there anything she’s hiding that she doesn’t want us to see?
WOMAN: (on phone) Mindy, they said is there anything you’re hiding that you don’t want them to see? (beat, to Detectives) No.
DETECTIVE 2: Then can we just look around?
WOMAN: (on phone) Then can they just look around? (long beat, to Detectives) Okay.
DETECTIVE 2: Thank you.
WOMAN: (on phone) Okay, Mindy. I’ll tell you what happened. Bye. (hangs up).
DETECTIVE 1: So can we come in?
WOMAN: Oh, yes. Please.
DETECTIVE 2: Thank you.
WOMAN: Can I get you something to drink?
DETECTIVE 1: No, we’re fine.
THE WOMAN HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN AND THE DETECTIVES ENTER.
Okay, now let me suggest an alternate scene. Instead of the above scenario, you just go straight to this:
EXT. TEENAGE GIRL’S ROOM – DAY
A WOMAN USHERS TWO DETECTIVES INTO THE ROOM.
WOMAN: Okay, this is Mindy’s room, Detectives. But she said you’re not going to find any notebook.
I think you can see what I’m getting at. There’s a rule of writing: Get into scenes as late as you can and get out of them as early as you can.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read scripts from young writers that have versions (usually longer) of the first scene. Let’s be blunt. It’s boring. Nothing happens. People just talk. Often in circles. Or they wait. Or they tell us things we already know. I would imagine the audience knows about the mall killing. And there was probably a scene where one of Mindy’s friends told the Detectives about a notebook Mindy might be harboring. Was there a scene where the Captain of the precinct told them to go to Mindy’s house and try to find it? I doubt it. Once the Detectives hear about the notebook it’s only logical they’re going to investigate.
One of your jobs as a writer is to find the most economical way to move your story along. A rookie mistake is creating scenes where everyone is just marking time. Think of the audience. Do they want to see two people standing on a porch waiting for someone to come to the door? Do they want to see a woman scanning ID? Do they want to hear all the warrant, lawyer bullshit? Do they want to hear whether the guests are offered refreshments? NO. It's all logical and tracks with the story but who wants to watch it?
Every line has to count. Every word has to count. There’s no time for pleasantries. There’s no time to ring a doorbell and wait.
Heed this advice and trust me, your script will rise above half your competition. Heck, they might even read yours all the way through. As always, best of luck.
from By Ken Levine
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