VP: You wanted to see me?
PRES: Yes. These reboots are going through the roof. Have you seen ROSEANNE’S ratings?
VP: Yes. Very impressive.
PRES: What reboots do we have in development?
VP: Nothing yet. We’re talking about maybe bringing back BIG WAVE DAVE’S.
PRES: What the fuck is BIG WAVE DAVE’S?!
VP: It was a delightful show in 1993 that never got the respect it –
PRES: Who gives a shit?! It’s got to be a show that was a HIT, goddamn it. A show that people loved and remember to this day.
VP: Right.
PRES: Let’s do THE GOLDEN GIRLS again.
VP: Excuse me. What?
PRES: THE GOLDEN GIRLS. America loves those broads.
VP: But most of them are dead.
PRES: So get other actresses.
VP: But the reason people watched THE GOLDEN GIRLS is because of those marvelous actresses.
PRES: You don’t think it would work if we just hired new people? What’s Linda Hunt doing?
VP: Sir, this isn’t CBS. We can’t just do a show that will appeal to the 70,000,000 viewers no one gives a crap about anymore. The only way to do THE GOLDEN GIRLS is to use the real Golden Girls and getting them becomes a huge logistical problem.
PRES: They’re really dead?
VP: Yes, all except Betty White, God bless her.
PRES: It’s not that they’re just on a streaming service, right?
VP: No. Dead dead.
PRES: Shit.
VP: Let me work on BIG WAVE DAVE’S.
PRES: Wait. I’ve got an idea.
VP: Sir?
PRES: Let’s just show reruns of THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
VP: They’re already running twelve times a day on cable.
PRES: We don’t say they’re reruns. We say they’re new.
VP: What?
PRES: People will say, wow they look good. Everyone in ROSEANNE looks much older, but those old babes defy time.
VP: Isn’t that dishonest? And besides, won’t fans of THE GOLDEN GIRLS know? They’ve seen each episode ten times.
PRES: We colorize them.
VP: They ARE in color.
PRES: You’re just going to fight me tooth and nail on this, aren’t you?
VP: We can’t put on an old show and say it’s new with actors who everyone knows is dead.
PRES: Except on Friday.
VP: Well, that’s true. No one watches on Friday.
PRES: Start making the deals on GOLDEN GIRLS. And while you’re at it, let’s reboot MAUDE.
VP: What? I don’t think it’s fair to ask Bea Arthur to star in two shows.
PRES: How is she going to complain?
VP: Good point, sir. I’ll get right on it.
He starts to leave, then:
PRES: And later, let’s get ahead of the pack on rebooting reality shows. MATCH GAME 2018.
VP: MATCH GAME 2018 is already on.
PRES: Not with Gene Rayburn.
VP: Right. I guess I’m just not thinking clearly. I’ll make some calls… or get a shovel.
He exits.
from By Ken Levine
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