"The Brady That Came To Dinner"
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ROB AND LAURA ENTER. ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE. LAURA HAS
A BIG BANDAGE ACROSS THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE.
LAURA
Admit it, Rob. I look like a stork.
ROB
(COMFORTING) Aw honey, you do not.
(THEN) Storks are bent over more like -
-(HE CRANES FORWARD) Ow!
LAURA
You deserved that.
RITCHIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
RITCHIE
Mommy and Daddy are home! (NOTICING
THEIR STATE) Eeeuw!
ROB
It’s okay, Ritch. We were just in a
little car accident.
LAURA
But we’re fine.
RITCHIE
Was it your fault?
LAURA
That’s really not important. What is
important is that everyone is okay.
RITCHIE
Was it your car or Daddy’s?
LAURA
Well, mine, but...
RITCHIE
Mommy caused an accident!
LAURA
Ritchie, why would you think that?
RITCHIE
Because when Daddy takes me to school
he always says the mommy drivers can’t
drive.
LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
ROB
(TO RITCHIE) And then Daddy says,
“except for your mommy.”
RITCHIE
When?
ROB
Laura, those women are Kamikaze
pilots.
MILLIE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
MILLIE
I gave Ritchie a snack and... Oh my
God! Were you in an accident?
LAURA
Yes.
MILLIE
Was it your fault?
LAURA
Why does everyone ask that?
MILLIE
What did you do?
LAURA
Nothing... someone cut me off.
MILLIE
So you were driving. I knew it.
LAURA
Hey, would everybody please give me a
break? I was just in the Emergency
Room. (THEN, TO RITCHIE) With a booboo.
That’s all it was. A tiny booboo.
Go play in your room, darling.
RITCHIE CROSSES OFF.
RITCHIE
“Women drivers are a menace.”
RITCHIE EXITS TO HIS ROOM. LAURA GLARES AT ROB.
ROB
The other daddies talk too.
MILLIE
Is the car a total wreck?
ROB
Well, it did take the brunt of it...
along with the light post... and the
police kiosk. But the good news is
they were right there to fill out the
report.
LAURA
Tell me the truth, Millie. Do I look
horrible?
MILLIE
What? No. You’re so pretty, Laura.
I’d still trade with you, even with
that big ugly bandage splattered on
your face.
LAURA
Oh God!
ROB
It’s not that bad, honey. A big hat,
a lot of make up... maybe sunglasses --
and no one will even notice.
LAURA
Swell.
MILLIE
Well, I can’t wait to go home and (OFF
LAURA’S LOOK) not tell anybody about
this.
LAURA
Please, Millie. This is embarrassing
and I don’t want the word to get out.
MILLIE
I can keep a secret.
ROB
That’s not entirely true. Last year
strangers in the market were asking
about my enlarged prostate.
MILLIE
Well, Laura never should have told me.
That’s a very private matter.
LAURA
The point is I would really appreciate
it if this time you would keep it to
yourself. Not that you wouldn’t, but
I know it’s hard for you... very
hard... “Breaking out of Alcatraz”
hard.
MILLIE
Don’t worry, Laura. I promise not to
say a word.
LAURA
Thank you.
MILLIE
But can I tell about Rob?
LAURA
No!
MILLIE
Okay. Fine. (GRUMBLING) I wish this
stupid accident never happened.
MILLIE EXITS.
ROB
You realize we should have just locked
her in the attic?
LAURA
Jerry’d come looking after about a
week.
ROB
I’m not so sure.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
BUDDY AND SALLY ARE THERE. ROB, STILL WEARING NECK BRACE,
ENTERS STIFFLY.
SALLY
Rob, what happened?
BUDDY
(A LA FRANKENSTEIN) It’s alive! It’s
alive!
ROB
Laura and I were in an accident. But
we’re both fine.
SALLY
Was it your fault?
ROB
Jeez, I wish I had a nickel for every
time someone asked me that.
BUDDY
Make it a dime. You’re going to need
‘em. Your insurance rates are going
to shoot through the roof.
ROB
It was not our fault.
BUDDY
My rates will go up just because I
know you. Thanks, Rob.
SALLY
Most of my dates wear those... except
for the ones who don’t have necks.
A CONCERNED MEL ENTERS TOTING A NEWSPAPER.
MEL
We’ve got a problem. Have you seen
the morning papers?
BUDDY
No, we need a little more light. Bend
over.
MEL
See how well I ignore? (TO BUDDY)
Pissant. (SHOWING THE PAPER) Alan’s on
the front page... with two strippers.
ROB
You’ve got to be kidding.
MEL
I wish I were.
SALLY
You sure they’re not just network
executives... with tassels?
BUDDY
This is why I never had kids. The
thought of paying child support when I
left Pickles for either one of these
girls...
ROB
Let me see. (TURNS HIS HEAD, THEN) Ow!
MEL
(NOTICING THE COLLAR) What happened to
your neck, Rob?
ROB
It wasn’t my fault!
ALAN BRADY STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.
ALAN
Mel? You in here?
MEL
Yes, Alan. Come on in.
ALAN ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
ALAN
What are you hiding for? I’m the one
who should be hiding. There’s fifteen
reporters in my office.
MEL
Want me to say something on your
behalf?
ALAN
I don’t like it when you speak
normally. No. I’ve got to lay low.
(LOOKS AROUND) This looks familiar.
MEL
It’s the writers’ office, Alan.
ALAN
(SNAPPING) I can see it’s the writers
office. There’s Buddy and Sally and
Rob.
ROB TURNS HIS HEAD.
ROB
Ow!
ALAN
Nice suit, Rob. (TO MEL) I have eyes.
HE DOESN’T NOTICE THAT ROB IS WEARING A NECK BRACE.
BUDDY
What happened last night, Alan? And
why wasn’t I invited?
ALAN
It was a funeral that got out of hand.
ROB
Excuse me, what? (CRANING HIS NECK)
Ow!
ALAN
(STILL NOT NOTICING ROB’S COLLAR) A
guy from the old neighborhood. After
the service we went back to his place
for a condolence call, which turned
into more of a wake. Never let
Rosenberg-Feldman Mortuary plan your
funeral. Things got out of control
shortly after the mourners’ kaddish.
SALLY
Well, at least their pasties were
black.
ALAN
I swear, you can’t be famous these
days. One lap dance with two girls
and right away you’re on the cover of
every morning rag.
MEL
They won’t even let you grieve in
peace.
ALAN
Shut up, Mel.
SALLY
How is your wife taking it?
ALAN
The good news is she’s on a safari in
Africa so hasn’t heard about it yet.
The bad news is she’s improving her
shot.
BUDDY
Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll have
an affair with one of those sweaty
native guides.
ALAN
Not with the kind of luck I’m having.
So I’m going to need a place to hide
for a night. Somewhere no one would
think to look for me.
BUDDY
How about a barbershop?
MEL
Y’see, Alan, that’s the kind of
insolence I have to put up with every
day.
ALAN
Shut up, Mel. It was funny. (THEN)
Without imposing and forget for the
moment that I hold your careers in my
hand, would any of you mind a house
guest for the night?
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, HOPING SOMEONE WILL VOLUNTEER.
AFTER AN AWKWARD BEAT:
ALAN (CONT’D)
(TO MEL) Now you shut up?
MEL
You hate my kids.
ALAN
You can’t send them away for a couple
of nights? No, never mind. I hate
your house too.
SALLY
I live across the street of the Daily
News. Those nosy reporters look right
into my window.
MEL
Don’t you keep the shades down?
SALLY
Why?
ALAN
Thanks but no thanks.
BUDDY
You could stay with me but the place
spells like haggis. It knocks your
socks off.
ALAN
Your wife made haggis last night?
BUDDY
No. Six years ago.
ROB
Alan, I guess you could stay with us.
But I warn you, we have a kid.
ALAN
I love kids -- (RE MEL) just none that
look like him.
ROB
Well, then... okay. Welcome to the
Petrie Hilton.
DISSOLVE TO:
Hi, it's me again. When I posted this five years ago some readers felt compelled to give me notes. Please don't. This isn't going to be filmed. I'm not looking for notes. Just enjoy (or not). Thanks.
from By Ken Levine
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