Every RNC speech distilled into one

The majority of people with brains are not watching the Republican National Convention because, well… why? But it is often good to hear the opposition’s point-of-view to know where they’re coming from. So as a public service, here is the transcription of a typical speech delivered at the RNC. I chose one of the very few not delivered by a member of the Trump family.

This one was from Kimberlee Gullible, one of the other women dating Donald Trump Jr. I use all caps whenever she was shouting.

GOOD EVENING, AMERICA! I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE LOBBY OF "THE PALIN INSTITUTE AGAINST HIGHER LEARNING." THE AMERICAN FLAGS YOU SEE BEHIND MYSELF ARE COURTESY OF “UNCLE SAM RENTALS,” FOR ALL YOUR PATRIOTIC NEEDS. CALL ‘EM AT 1-800-BIG HOAX.

WE ARE AT A CROSS-HAIRS IN THIS COUNTRY – THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND UNLIT. THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM, YOUR WAY OF LIFE, YOUR RIGHTS, YOUR JOB, YOUR HOME, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR CHILDREN'S PETS, YOUR W.W.E., YOUR DEATH PENALTY, YOUR MOONSHINE, YOUR MAN CAVE, YOUR VIAGRA, YOUR BLOW-UP DOLLS, YOUR LAWN JOCKEYS, YOUR FOOTBALL!

IF WE DON’T ELECT AGAIN DONALD J. TRUMP YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WILL NEVER BE SAFE FROM AFRICAN ASIANS AND OTHER PEOPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE COLOR.

DON’T FALL FOR THE LIBTARD DEMOCRAT SOCIALISTS. WE ARE ALL PROUD AMERICANS WHO ARE SELF-DEFICIENT AND DON’T NEED GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS. WE DON’T NEED SOCIAL SECURITY, OR HEALTHCARE, OR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS, OR MEDICARE OR CIVIL RIGHTS. THOSE ARE FOR THE WEAK. DONALD J. TRUMP WILL ELIMINATE THEM. HE WILL ALSO DEFUND THE POLICE DEPARTMENT, THE POST OFFICE, AMTRACK, THE C.D.C., AND ESPECIALLY THOSE FREELOADERS IN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. IMAGINE, BEING PAID TO JUST SIT AROUND WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

THAT LEAVES YOU MORE MONEY TO BUY GUNS AND PLASTIC STRAWS.

NOW, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE CORONA-COVID. THE DEMOCRATS WOULD TRY TO BRAINWASH YOU INTO THINKING 180,000 DEATHS IS A BAD THING. PEOPLE DIE. BOO HOO. AND HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT NUMBER IS ACCURATE OR CORRECT? YOU’RE NOT DEAD. ONCE THE PRESIDENT LEARNED OF THIS PLIGHT – THAT BEGAN IN INDO-CHINA BY THE WAY – HE SNAPPED INTO ACTION TELLING PEOPLE IT WOULD GO AWAY. HE DIDN’T WAIT. HE CAME RIGHT OUT WITH THAT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  SOMEDAY IT WILL.  WHETHER IT'S NEXT YEAR OR IN TEN YEARS, HE'LL BE RIGHT.

SLEEPY JOE BIDEN WOULD MANDATE EVERYONE WEAR MASKS. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP WILL GO HIM ONE STEP BETTER. HE’LL MANDATE THAT EVERYONE WEAR WHITE HOODS. THAT’S LEADERSHIP, MY FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.

WE NEED TO GO BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN WASHINGTON WAS KNOWN FOR ITS APPLES AND REDSKINS. WHEN THE AMERICAN DREAM WAS NOT JUST FOR THE RICH BUT ALSO FOR THE WEALTHY. WHEN GLOBAL WARMING WAS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT GETS COLD IN THOSE TRAILERS. WHEN COAL MINES WERE FLOURISHING. WHEN OUR CHILDREN WENT TO SCHOOL REGARDLESS OF DISEASE OR SHOOTINGS.

SO VOTE FOR DONALD J. TRUMP. DON’T LET THE DEMOCRATS STEAL THE ELECTION. BLOCK POLLING PLACES. BLOW UP MAILBOXES IN SWING STATES. PRESERVE OUR PRECIOUS DEMOCRACY.

I’D SAY MORE, BUT THE FLAGS HAVE TO BE BACK BY 9. THANK YOU. VOTE FOR MY FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW. AND GIVE ME MY OWN SHOW ON FOX NEWS!!!

from By Ken Levine