Weekend Post

There is a new documentary series on A&E called THE SECRETS OF PLAYBOY.  As you'd expect, it dishes the dirt on Hef.  Turns out he wasn't a lovable father figure after all.  Who knew?  He was manipulative and intimidating and coerced young women to bow to his every depraved wish.  It's somewhat fascinating but you need a shower when it's over.  They make reference in the documentary to a reality series he had eleven years ago called THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE on E!  And that reminded me that I had written a snarky review of it back in August of 2010.   So, as bonus material for those watching the documentary, I thought I would re-post it. 

But first, a couple of things:

Like I said, it's SNARKY.  That's the point.  It is designed to make you laugh by pointing out the absurdity of this show.  I don't want the woke police on me for body shaming or being judgemental, etc.  It was written eleven years ago.  No one from the future came back to give me the memo. 

Second, perhaps some of these women are not as dumb as I suggested, but that's exactly how they were presented.  That's what Hefner WANTED you to think.  Every exchange I highlight comes directly from the show itself.  But you know how documentaries work.  They film hundreds of hours and select 20 minutes.  That's enough footage to create any narrative you want.  And this is what THEY chose. 

 So here now is my review.  Enjoy.

You know me, always on the lookout for truly jaw dropping reality shows. Well, last night I came across a great one: THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE on E!

You’re all invited to swing by the Playboy Mansion and meet the former Playmates who inhabit this on-site dormitory called The Bunny House. Inside you’ll find nine or ten of the dumbest female creatures ever to inhabit the earth and their far-more-intelligent little doggies. Never before has so much silicone and so little brains been assembled under one roof.

I assume this is all just part of the Mansion’s zoo, which also includes peacocks, rabbits and spider monkeys.

Here’s the level of conversation: A bunch of these airheads are in the pool. One asks the following deep philosophical question: “For a million dollars would you have a three-inch penis on your head and you can never conceal it?” The consensus: Yes. One girl said she’d just get a collection of hats thus clearly not understanding the meaning of “you can never conceal it”.

Question two: “Would you ever get a dude’s name tattooed on you?” Overwhelming majority: No! That’s obviously far more objectionable than a penis on your head.

In the searing episode last night a new girl was invited to the house for a bar-b-que. She was so nervous. I was nervous that the bunny who was grilling burgers would put her hand on the grill not comprehending the concept of “hot”.

The big moment was when Hef arrived. Picture the Crypt Keeper in a red bathrobe and sailor’s hat. He must’ve weighed less than any of the girl’s breasts. It was Popeye at 200.

Hef had a big decision to make – which two girls were going to share the master bedroom? One girl needed it because she required all the closet space for her wardrobe. They showed the closet. It’s the size of the Kennedy Center. How many thongs and short shorts must this girl have?

“How do you get invited to live in the Bunny House?” the newbie asked. Well, you have to be a Playmate (Drat! That leaves out Nancy Pelosi.). Unsaid was you must have bazooms the size of Macy’s Parade balloons and the IQ of a pencil box. The newest tenant said she wrote Hef a letter telling him she had no friends or family and nowhere really to go. How long did it take to get back to her? Six months.

Six months??? Then where the hell was she living in the meantime? My guess is Mr. Superfly’s Pimp House. Look for that show on Court TV.

For part two of this episode they all went to Vegas for the gala Playmate of the Year formal introduction. Hope (the winner) and her zany bunny friend Jade went the night before to get a good night’s sleep. Yeah, right. Jade was a baaad influence. She convinced Hope to go out, party, get shit faced, and then accompany her to a tattoo parlor to try to get her ex-boyfriend’s initials removed from her lip. His name was Brody Jenner so that’s right – she had B.J. tattooed to her lip. If I were her I would have kept it. Just as Sarah Palin (who would make a great den mother to this sorority) wrote crib notes on her hand, this way Jade could look in the mirror and always remember what her lips were for.

Poor Playmate of the Year, Hope. She had to write a speech for the big event. All she could come up with was a half page of incoherent scribbling on a crumpled sheet of legal paper. She must’ve been working on it for a month. Thankfully her best friend Jade came to her rescue, telling her to just speak from the heart then ripping up the speech and eating (yes eating) it.

The big show the next night was a huge hit you’ll be relieved to hear. Hef, now in clothes (looking like a well-dressed camp survivor) beamed as Hope vowed to make him proud. That means what? Do anything short of having John Edwards’ baby?

Miss Fresh Meat and her little yapping mutt were invited to move into the Bunny House and all was right with the world.

But wait!

We see Hef in bed (with his little pooch) and he’s still not sure just who should occupy the master bedroom. Uh oh! Hellzapoppin’ next week! Talk about a cliffhanger! Expect things to turn really ugly as these girls gouge each others eyes out for that extra closet space.

THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR: BUNNY HOUSE – just like a three-inch penis on your head; it’s useless but you just can’t take your eyes off of it.

from By Ken Levine